did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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