90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
