Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
