Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
