Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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