just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
