Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
