I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she peed on how many people?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
