Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
