it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We're too hungover to prance.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
