I need to stop coming to work sober
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
