So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
