I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
