I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
