I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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