My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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