When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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