i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
