I seem to have left my pride at pride
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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