i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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