I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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