Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
