woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
