Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
