I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
