she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
