either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
