I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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