I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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