i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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