Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
