Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
