Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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