if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is it penis luge time yet?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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