I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
