I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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