The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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