Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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