she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
