im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
