we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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