I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
