found the other keg... it's in the tree
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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