I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
