I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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