yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
