I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
