Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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