this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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