ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
