The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
