I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
