pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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