K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
